Entry: Gemma Ward

So much to say. That's how all of these entries start out isn't it? Always so much to say and going on in your brain and then once you start letting your fingers do the talking -- silence. There's nothing you want to say. Honestly, there's a million things I'd love to say right now but won't. I've got to say something though, right? Right, I've got an entry due.

So where do I begin? Well, lets start with happy things. Like home and family. I've barely said anything about who I am in these things. I like my privacy but for some reason I feel like breaking a can of new worms open. But I'm originally from Perth, Australia. Grew up on the beach and on my aunt and uncle's farm. It's mother's day as well so it's only understandable that I mention my lovely mum, Clair Ward. She's a nurse and loves to cook. She makes a mean pot of chili with kangaroo steak mixed in. I think Harry enjoyed it. He didn't really say much as I recall but then again whenever my father's around he can't or else what comes out of his mouth might be a few teeth instead of a comment of any sort if you know what I mean.



My dad, Gary, he's not the easiest man to get along with. I always knew he was hard headed because that's where I get my stubbornness and quick temper from. I guess that's also where I get my outbursts in violence. Don't get me wrong! Gary Ward is not a violent man by any means (well actually that's only sort of true, sorry love). But I've got to blame it on someone and after hurting Harry's shoulder the other morning I feel it's necessary to have an explanation for it. If my father's genes aren't to blame then I blame growing up with twin brothers nearly four years apart from me.



Moving on though. Sophie, Henry, Oscar. Those are my siblings. Sophie goes to University in Washington where she's studying writing and she's also a model like me. She's really great. Dark hair, light features. She's very Victorian looking I'm quite jealous. But Os and Henry (I know, what a coincidence) are tyrants. They're just like dad and I remember having to chase them out of the room a number of times when Harry'd come to visit. Thank god they were upstairs when my dad tried to throw a punch at him or else they probably would have pinned him if they could. God, why did I want to spend Christmas in Perth again?But that little discussion lead to one of the sweetest things I've had in my life.

Bickering isn't something I personally like. I tend to think too much. Far too much than I should and that leads to me becoming too sensitive. This all has a point, I promise. I jump around and ramble about everything that's around my main point until I get to it. And you see? That was me going off on another tangent. The point I've been bouncing around is as simple as I love my Harry.

I've been in love before. I was a bit younger and things just didn't work out. That story is another one all in it's own and one I really don't like telling. But this is different. He makes me laugh so much. I can't feel bad around him. Not only won't he let me but he does everything he can to make me happy. To keep me happy and I just-- God, I don't know just thinking about him makes me smile and I get all giddy. It's so hard being so far apart though. We've got these two completely different worlds and it's so obvious. It's scary even. I don't show my insecurities like he tells me about (or I sort of make him tell me about) his but they're still there. I just don't want him to think I don't trust him because I do. I do so much.

I can barely go a week without seeing him and I can't go a single day without phoning him. I swear, I forget the time difference between us and wake him around 02.30 am every morning his time and am just gabbing up a storm when he's probably just fallen asleep a few hours before. He's just so good to me, I have no idea where I went right. I don't even know if I deserve someone like him he's just so open and generous and he doesn't put himself before anyone at all and he's just amazing.



I've got no idea what I'm going to do with myself when he's gone. I'm going to miss him so much and I'm going to just drown myself in my sorrows-- well, I'm not that big of a drama queen. I don't know. Just the thought of him being gone and I can't touch him and look at him and smile at the sight of him and then wake him in the morning just makes me so sad. Just thinking of it now is making me tear up so I should stop. But it's going to be stuck there whether I force it to go or not. He's going to do great though and I'm honestly happy that he wants to go and that he's excited to do his job. I may not act like it and that may seem selfish. I can't help it though because I... well I don't know. I've just never been this excited or happy my entire life. I'm just so scared of losing him and I know he's promised and promised and promised that I won't but it's just been eating at me. I think it's been obvious in the wrong ways though. I feel terrible about it...

I really should stop gushing about him now or else I'm going to give people the wrong idea and before I know it there will be a restraining order against me by him. But as long as he knows that despite my ability to become a down right brat and a nuisance of sorts that I do love him and I don't mean to give him the hard time that I do. Oh, and he makes the best eggs a girl could ask for.

In other news, I'm moving to London. I'll still have my flat in New York but I want to be able to travel back and forth and I don't feel comfortable imposing myself at Clarence House constantly. Harry says I'm family but it's just... I don't know how to explain it. Being apart from him like this is like having a huge over hanging feeling of homesickness and as much as I'd love to lock myself in his room and lose the key, I have to respect his family. I know he might not care either (not about his family but about me staying) but the last thing I want is to help promote him for the front page of The Sun or the next tabloid out to get him.



I'm excited though. This will be like my own real place. Granted I've got my place in NY but my agency helps with that. This one is mine. Well, mine and Emma's since she's going to be living with me and we're going to get fat and eat lots of chokkies and whipped cream, hahaha. It's really a great thing this flat.

I was scared Harry would be against it. I was dreading that he would think it was too large of a step for our relationship so far and that he didn't support it. I would have understood. I would have felt like an idiot but I would have understood. But of course he was pleased and I'm just really relieved. He may not be in London for a while but at least I'll have Emma and I'm looking forward to getting to know William better and I'm just hoping everything goes smoothly. I'm glad this flat gives Harry a feeling of normalcy.



But now I've got a confession to make. As excited as I am that William is here and as kind and funny as he is-- Oh my god, I'm scared to death of him! Ok, there. It's off my chest. Don't ask me why or what it is because I know exactly how to answer those questions. I just said I was confessing one thing so ha.

Now then. I guess I should wrap this up since I've been writing it the past two days. Did I even talk about anything? I don't feel like I did anything but gab about how much of a love sick leggy blonde I am (<3).

Entry:

Tomorrow is Wednesday.  Hump day and then Thursday. Thursday isn't my favourite day of the week and never will be though. But it's good to think positive. Positivity is the key. When you walk down the cat walk you aren't thinking about the people watching you, what day of the week it is, or even what you're going to eat because you're starving. You've got it plastered in your brain that you've got to keep your spine straight, chin held high, and your feet directly infront of the other as you walk-- 'less you want to trip and fall on your arse in front of a room full of cameras to catch every milisecond of your embarassing fumble. It's not easy doing what I do and I don't expect everyone to realize that.

Hello world, I'm Gemma Ward and I'm nineteen years old. I grew up on a farm in Australia. Perth, Australia to be exact. That's the same place as Heath Ledger in case you were wondering. We've never met though and we didn't go to the same school so don't get too excited. It wasn't so bad living the way I did. It still isn't. My mum and dad, Claire and Gary, had four children in the end. First my oldest sister Sophie who also models and goes to University in Washington in the U.S. where she's studying writing; Me, Gemma, of course; and my twin brothers Oscar and Henry. They're heathens, don't let their soft eyes get fool you.  But  growing up wasn't difficult for me.  I grew up on the beach-- yeah, a beach farm place, brilliant right?  It was amazing waking up with the sun and hearing the ocean.  Whoever says Australia isn't paradise has absolutely no idea what they're talking about.  Even the natives love it.

However, how I fell into this profession is a bit of a funny story to be honest. It was an entire accident but it was clearly meant to happen. I'd gone to a modeling search with my friends and ended up being entered into the competition back in 2002 when I was fifteen. I didn't win but I wasn't disappointed. How could I be? I was standing there in a farmer's jacket and old clothes. But that didn't seem to bother the small Australian agency that did end up signing me that day after the winners were announced. I worked for them for about a year before a catalogue I was in ended up on someone's desk in New York at the IMG agency I belong to now. From then on it's just been show after show, shoot after shoot. How things like this just manage to fall into people's laps is amazing when you think about it. It's almost like a miracle but not really magical at all. Just dumb luck, maybe?

I live in New York now, though with my best friend. I've been traveling quite a bit doing a few commercials and things overseas in Italy and Japan. I've been on fifteen covers of Vogue and variations of Vogue (Teen Vogue) and I've been privliged to wear some of the most glamourous clothes to date... the most expensive clothes to date... bloody hell the ugliest clothes to date. But this is my job, my career, my life. I used to want to be a comedian or an actress. I wanted to make people laugh and feel good and be stupid. I don't think I'd give up modeling for it now though. It keeps me balanced and although it's made me pick up nasty habits like smoking, I don't regret anything I've done thus far and if anything this path has allowed me to become the most confident and sure of myself as I've ever been.  Through my travels I've become fluent in French, and can speak Italian and Spanish, as well as some Portuguese, German, Japanese and Dutch.

If I thought people stopping me for photos and autographs was odd, you can imagine how I felt when I found out that I had become the number one world model.  I can only smile and give my thanks and just appreciate everything I've got and keep looking to the future.  It's fans that keep me based and allow me to have opportunities like this. Of course you've got people who think I'm overrated or just not as good as everyone else thinks. People who think I look the same in every photo and that I'm really not as good at what I do as I let off. It hurts, it really does and it's times like those I need my family most. But as of late, I just honestly don't care. Like I said, according to models.com I'm the number one model in the world. As far as I'm concerned, if you don't think so, fine. But it doesn't change the fact that I am. So get over it.

If you think modeling is the only place you're going to get your dose of me, then you're already wrong.  I was in John Mayer's music video 'Daughters' (one of the best songs ever, by the way) and in 2001 I was in the Australian film 'Pink Pyjamas'.  Just recently I stared in another Australian short called 'Black Balloon' this past year with Toni Collette and in July my third film will be released called 'The Strangers'.  This one is just a small role but worth every bit.  I also don't think there is possibly anymore I can say about myself so I'm leaving this where it's at for now.  Thank you for reading.

Entry 2 :

I sat on the swing in my back yard this morning. You know the kind that seat more than one person and you always see the little kids sitting on at the shops when they're meant to be displays? Well it's one of those only a real one not a display. No one really sits on it anymore. It's kind of like when you're younger the family does so much together but as time passes and you get older and you're lucky if you see one another at supper or in passing. It's even more difficult when you live at school. We're on a bit of down time right now since we're preparing for tests and have taken a few preliminary assignments. I go back after this weekend. Then I'll be done and graduated and I may seem like school is the utmost important thing to me but honestly I just want to get it finished. I'm so tired and it makes me a nervous wreck. Not to mention I've been lurking and I really don't like that at all.

But school wasn't my point of sitting on a swing. No. I just woke a bit earlier than usual after getting less sleep than usual and felt the need to sit and be alone. It was a bit chillier this morning and just sitting and relaxing with a blanket outside made me feel really good. The cool English air going in and out of my lungs. Don't laugh at me, it was a lot like yoga only a lot more refreshing and natural. I could just barely see my breath in the air and hear the birds waking up. It was just... it was just really, really nice.

I've been behaving myself lately also. Not that I don't on a regular basis or anything but just lately I've been extra good I think. I don't know why I felt that was important to say but I did. For some reason it reminds me that I need to apologize. I've been lacking severely in commenting people and reading entries and participating with others in general... ignoring chats, not posting anything anywhere myself. I feel horrible about it. I'll make up for it very soon, I promise. Besides, Clem's gone and helped me put up this beautiful new lay out and Dan was amazing enough to get me a paid account for my birthday that I have yet to thoroughly abuse. One hundred and two icons, here I come!

Work wise the only thing I can think to say is that I'm officially returning to torture the rest of my cast mates in the next two films for the Potter-verse and I can.not.wait until the Pirates of the Caribbean 3 film premier. Dan, Rupert, and I are going and I've got to find out if any of my other loony friends are going as well. Not to mention I need to ask Rob if he'll go with me because Dan's probably going to take Brittany and Rupe will take his pillow. I know, aren't they just the loveliest couples on this living Earth?

Anyways. I feel it's necessary I give shout outs this entry. I don't tell my friends how much I appreciate them on a regular basis and lately I've been feeling like I've lost touch with them a little. So here it goes, in no particular order.

[1] Daniel Radcliffe : My best friend in the entire world. I'd be so lost without you! Ever since I've met you you've been this amazing person and you've never once let me down.  I love you only a way a friend could and if you ever need anything you know I'm here for you when you don't think anyone else is.  If you need to talk or you need to rant or you just need someone to aggravate you know I'm your girl. ( I also hope you take note I made you red and not pink <3 )

[2] Joseph Jonas : Definitely one of my favourite people and you know it.  Taking the step to meet you when I first came around was so scary and I'm not going to lie, I was very intimidated by you.  Why?  Don't even ask me because I have absolutely no idea.  But the bottom line is you're one of my closest friends now and I can't ask for anyone better!  Your red bull, invisible wings, and vanilla ice cream loving self is just some sort of amazing and you're such a friendly and care free and open minded person.  You also should know I'm here for you whenever you need me and I'm so glad we've become so close.

[3] Robert Pattinson : You are my Muffin as I am your Pookie.  We've known each other for little over... what?  Two years?  Maybe three?  I've gone and lost count, don't be upset with me :'(  But does that really matter?  I love our conversations and our cap lock parties and our oreos and chocolate cookies and our plans to elope and run away to Cuba.  Not to mention your occasional threats to tie me up and kidnap me.  You make me laugh so much and I absolutely adore you for making my day so much better.  You're so kind and you're so free spirited that you just make logging on and looking down my AIM list a pleasure.  Even when I do manage to find you and you're set to damn away!  You know I don't hesitate to harass you anyways as I leave you the dumbest away messages ever.  Like that time I actually had a conversation with myself for at least three minutes... I can't believe I did that.  But you're an amazing guy and you're so warm hearted and caring that I just can't get over you!

[4] Bonnie Wright : Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie.  What in the world would I do without you?  Granted we certainly don't talk as much as I'd like but I'm going to put forth the effort to change that most definitely.  You are the sweetest girl I know in the history of life itself and you're an amazing cook!  You're like the little sister I never had even though we're merely a year in difference.  You've always got a smile no matter what you truly feel and you never ever make me feel as if I don't deserve to wear one.  You're such an amazing friend and I appreciate you more than I really show and I'm sorry that I don't let you know that on a regular basis.

[5] Clemence Posey : Apple of my eye.  You're brilliant, gorgeous, sweet, funny.  Everything I love you for.  You are always so kind and generous and you even helped me with my layout and I feel so incredibly honoured that I get to call you such a close and desirable friend.  You truly make everyday a great one even if we don't talk that often.  Your company is perfect and you've always, always, always got a sense of humour no matter what.  Like Bonnie is a little sister you are definitely an older one that I'd never trade.  You're amazing and I love you!

[6] Tom Felton : You, Tom, are the hardest bloke to get a hold of but when we've got our few and short moments in between of great fun and talk, they're definitely worth it.  I try not to hurt you too much though.  I know you're sensitive and you look to your fishing to ease the pain.  I won't secretly wish that you hook your own knickers the next time you try to practice being a Slytherin on me <3  You do make my days a wonderful place as well though I'm so glad to hear when you're happy and how things are going for you because you deserve all of the great things you've got no matter what anyone, anywhere tries to make you think!

[7] Brittany Snow : Granted we don't know one another that well and we've actually never had a decent conversation, I still consider you a friend and find you acknowledgeable here.  You're Dan's one and only and that is the end of the story.  It makes you family, it makes you a friend and a member of our growing cult, congratulations.   Despite our lack of communication I know you're a wonderful person with a gorgeous personality because when Dan beams, he makes sure his brights are on and his brights blind.  I know for a fact you probably know this already.  So thank you for being there for him and thank you for making him so happy.  You are a phenomenal person.

[8] Katie Leung : Katie,  where the bloody hell are you?  You're making my heart break.  I know I'm a failure when it comes to calling but lately I've been searching for you and haven't been able to find you anywhere!  You're twinkling eyes and saucy smile need to find their way back to me soon or else I'll cry and that just won't work now will it?  I love you and your hot bum so please come out of hiding for me ;_;

[9] William Moseley : William Freakin' Moseley.  I have no idea where you are but you had better stop being there and be here.  Filming?  Prague?  No, unexceptional!  But I can't really blame you, mate.  I forgot your birthday and I feel absolutely terrible.  I'm going to make it up to you though, I swear it.  I can' t leave this at that though.  I have to thank you for being a great person and showing me the beauty of my freak flag.  It flies high because of you and you've changed my life.  You're amazing.


If I've forgotten you, let me know.  I just felt it was necessary to say something nice about the closest people to me in my life and now that I have I should probably wrap this up.  I'll leave with a list of things to do.

winnie_perkins

So I grew up in northern Virginia right out side of Washington D.C.  It has to be one of the most diverse places I've ever experienced in my life.  Oh, I'm Holly Colbert by the way.  I tend to get a little ahead of myself and before I know it I forget the important details, you know?  Like my name, exactly.  Anyways.  So I grew up in Virginia and after graduating from high school I was accepted to a University here in Boston.  I've since graduated and majored in creative writing.

One day, I guess my goal is to write novels.  But before you can sit at home and hunch over your typewriter you have to have money first, right?  I realized that after I was out an apartment and no job.  Luckily, the Luciano family was there for me.  Not intentionally of course.  No.  They happened to be looking for someone to keep their home in order and help with the cooking.  I was surprised their staff wasn't plentiful enough as it was but lucky for me they were interested and hired me on the spot.  Of course my room and board is taken out of my pay check so I've got to freelance a bit to get that extra chump change to save up so I can rent an apartment eventually.

I'm debating whether Boston is even the place for me.  Maybe I should go back home where I actually know people.  The Luciano's aren't my family and as far as I know they like keeping to themselves-- a lot.  I can't even find a real relationship here.  It's like this family is cursed or something.  All I have to do is mention I work for them and people high tail it out of a room.  I don't see what the big deal is though.  Whatever. 

Maybe writing up those reports at the police station will get me enough leverage to at least move out of their home and into a cheap apartment down town.  In any case, things are good right now.  I'm still getting to know everyone in the house and all but so far I'm really enjoying myself-- I just hope I don't break anything.

Entry 1:
Why do updates kill?  Because they were raised in uncultured homes?  Didn't believe in God?  Teased as children?  Honestly, this one is so painful.  It's torturing me and it has even begun really!  I guess it's going to be a few paragraphs of me rambling on and on about absolutely nothing.   Because life is boring for me right now.  I have more fun in the tabloids reading about a suspicious sixteen year old rugby player who is apparently my new boy toy, me dancing on table tops while beaming about how all I want to do is party and get a good shag.  Wow, dirty words for such a dirty girl.  Anyhow.

The past few weeks have been long, boring, and uneducational.  Yes boys and girls school is just an utter drag but what's new?  Testing will end soon and I'll be done.  Through.  No more.  I'm so, so, so unbelievably thrilled out of my mind.  Is there anyone who ever actually loved school?  Like... they would rather go to school then lay in bed and sleep?  Or even go to the cinema or eat or something?  I like eating.  Eating is good.

I'm sad I missed Joe when he came to visit.  Our schedules must have missed or something.  I don't know.  I hope you had a good time though, mate!  Heard you managed to stop by that Greek restaurant.  Or at least someone said you did.  I never got to give you your pink socks either.  I'm sad about that as well.  I'll have to find a way to mail them to you.  Maybe I can pull a Joe and just ask the nice lady at the post.  You'll get them though.  Never fear! 

Hmmm... what else?

I'm going to be seventeen in five days.  That's this Sunday and counting.  Here at home I'll be a legal adult.  I'll be able to drink with my meals and drive (but never at the same time, of course).  Not to mention I'm just going to be pretty awesome.  It's a bit scary though.  Being considered an 'adult'.  I'm not one yet but when I will be I can't get away with things like before.  No that I ever did anything really bad ever.  But still.  You can't hide behind the excuse of being a child or just another teenage rebellious act for attention.  True, you're still in your teens but you're not just a teen.  You're supposed to act your age if not older.  You're a grown person.  Maybe I'm just being silly now.  It's not like being older is a job.  Although sometimes I see my mum and other people having such a hard time.  I don't want that for myself.  I don't want being older to be a curse. 

Ha, listen to me.  I'm talking as if I'm about to turn thirty-five or maybe even sixty-seven.  I guess it's just a bit of rubbish that was in my brain that I needed to get out in an update for no one to read.  I'm pretty sure I've finished now anyhow.

I love my friends <3

Entry 2:
*Tom's arrived, Tom's arrived!!!

Yes, the Potter people are reuniting, isn't it marvelous?!  Granted we did lose Rupert to a much busier schedule but we won't hold it against him.  He'll be back any day now, hopefully.  People can't keep away from me that long now can they?  Dan... don't even bother commenting on that!  I know what you're thinking!  I'll save you the effort now.  SO SHUSH!

I was sick a few days ago though.  I want to inform every single one of you that drinking TWO energy drinks (Rockstar Guava flavoured in case you were wondering) in a row with a big bottle water afterward may give you an amazing sensation and allow you to realize how it feels when your blood circulates through your body-- but ultimately... it is still an incredibly bad idea to consume it in that order... and in that short of an amount of time!  I probably should have warned Dan before he read that as well... sorry if you feel sick now, mate. 

That same night I went to dinner with Bonnie and Dan.  Well-- it wasn't exactly dinner.  It was more like milkshakes at two in the morning.  Along with a milkshake fight after discussing how one goes dressed to a Billiards hall.  So that's two nights in a row now.  Dan's ruined my hair and then my clothing (my favourite pajama set, the nerve of that boy!).  You'd think he'd been nicer after the tragic ordeal I'd gone through that day with the stomach gurgling and the blood circulating.

Anyways... I'm not sure anything more worth reporting on has really happened.  Still studying for exams and my GCSE's.  Someone just kill me, please!

Oh, but something exciting has happened!  I am the proud namer of Joe's eyebrows.  I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Fluffykins and KooKoo.  Aren't they adorable?  I try not to favour one over the other... But I rather fancy Mr. Fluffykins quite a bit!  We might have to start a fund to save them if Amanda still has her heart set on destroying them.  But I'm sure she might know something about them that I don't-- like maybe they're secretly planning world domination or something.  Who knows? 

Right, so I'll just stop being a loser now!

Right then, Bonnie Kathleen Wright here.  People have their pet names for me but Bonnie is what it is and it's who I am.  This is the hard part now, let's get the basics out of the way, shall we?  I've done and introduced myself so my birthday is February seventeenth and I was born in 1991.  I'm not THAT young, mind you.  I recently turned sixteen and I'm already counting down to seventeen!  I'm just like a normal teenager though.  Go to parties, school, do stupid things.  Who doesn't right?  I saw that corona bottle, Emma!  Hahaha, anyhow.  Born in London, England to-- well, who my parents are isn't important this is about me after all. 

If you didn't know already I play the amazing role of one, Ginny Weasley, in all of the Potter films thus far.  I honestly love the character even though her popularity is only just beginning to grow.  But honestly, who can say that their first ever acting role was in a Harry Potter film where you practically seduced by a snake and a man years older than you?  Not many, I can tell you that much.

Have I run out of things to say already?  Good God I must be the least interesting person EVER.  Honestly, you'd think I'd have loads to say about myself since on a regular basis I don't shut up around the others.  I'm normally really shy but I'm not even talking to anyone right now.  I'm like talking to myself.  Because who's really going to sit and read this?  I'm not.  I'm going to write it and post it.  SO it'll be full of grammatical errors and mistakes.  Lovely innit?  God, do I have to keep going though?  I don't even like journals... I just want to talk to my friends.

It's a lot like school.  I don't like doing the work, the testing, the learning.  I just want to socialize.  I've got friends who aren't Potter people you know!  But really, Dan and Ron and Emma and Katie and Rob and just everyone I know is so great.  They're my second family that understands  me better than my real one for the sole fact that they're close to my age and I grew up with them and we can just all relate, yeah?  So, like, when I saw Equus and Daniel was definitely on that stage naked-- totally not phased.  Not because I've seen him naked before or anything because I haven't!!  <- had to get that out in the clear before someone got a hold of it and it ended up in tomorrow's newspapers.  Anyhow, the point I'm trying to make is that we're all such great friends that we can be naked... and... ok, you know what I'm just going to stop now.

Clearly Mika likes messing with my head and I haven't slept that much this week-- good God, please don't kill me Dan :X

Gregori Rasputin, 19, college student.  Boring right? I don't actually care if you think so.  My family is the shits and I don't mean it positively.  The difference between you and I-- or myself and a lot of others is that I tell the truth.  Granted, I wouldn't sit there and rat out my big brother for just anyone or anything.  You've got to be insane.  I don't have a fucking death wish yet... and even so I wouldn't be surprised if one of them killed me in my sleep.

Under our roof it's important to sleep with one eye open.  At least I need to since my crack head sister is nothing but a con artist and god knows what else my siblings do.  Being the second youngest makes life a bitch but of course Milena is the baby and gets whatever the hell she wants (or at least I tend to think so) because she's so good at being father in a female's form.  I wouldn't put it past her to hire my own family to make the world forget I even existed.  I hate my family. 

In fact, I don't even like it here in Boston.  I want to go back to Russia and start my own life.  Fuck, even moving to Utah here in America is better than this place. 

Don't tell me I can't.

Entry 1:
Updates, updates, updates.  They're the Devil's spawn.

I've actually got a million things to say yet no way to get them out.  I've had the most amazing two weeks of my life and now that I'm back home I'm just sour.  I don't want to do a ruddy thing.  I've even been getting my employers mad at me.  I need to sleep more but when I do I sleep too much.  I should be going out so I don't turn into this vampire person as well but I just don't feel like.  My flatmate had to practically drag me from my bed to take me to the cinema last night.

The more I try to write, the more difficult it becomes.  Harry says I should pick a song and write about how it makes me feel.  Well, I'm technically doing that.  I hit play on my iTunes and What's My Age Again started plying by Blink 182.  It's actually kind of amusing that it did though.  Considering today is my lovely, lovely Emma's birthday and she's a brand new age of seventeen.  She's hot and fresh of the press.  Happy birthday again, lovely.  I was also talking to the amazing Anna, Emma, and Rupert (Potter invasion, ftw) and we started talking about birthdays and age and all that jazz.  I'm looking forward to my 20th at the end of the year yet at the same time dreading it for a number of reasons.

It's got to be perfect.  Only because so much is going on in my life right now that I want it all there for me at the end of the year as well.  But a big part of it is going to be in a country I'll most likely never ever visit in my life.  But I've turned on another song now.  Mono by Fightstar.  Never heard it before in my life but Harry suggested it.  It's a pretty soft song.  I'm having a hard time focusing on the lyrics but I assume that's not always what matters. 

So the question is how do I feel?  I'm finding it difficult to answer, honestly.  I don't often sit here and ask myself that question.  I'm sort of just in this zone.  I don't know what to write, I want to talk, I want to do something, I want to stay at home, I want to curl up on the couch with someone, I want ice cream, I want some pretty new jewelry.  All I ever do is want anymore.  I can't remember the last time I gave.  Not officially at least.  So is that how I'm feeling?  Stingy?  Maybe.  I want to go home to Australia and visit my mum.  I haven't seen her since Christmas.  I want some of her amazing baking and I just want to sit around and gush to her.  She's my best friend and I know that's corny to say but that's a mum's purpose in my opinion.  I love her to death even when she's so mad at me she can't look at me-- which has happened before, actually.  But everyone makes incredibly stupid mistakes when they're young.  It's the way the world works.  Parents aren't supposed to hate you forever because of them.  Granted, there are things you can do to make that happen but you aren't supposed to intentionally inflict so much hatred in your life.

How did I even get on this topic?  I've been thinking so much about family lately its pretty weird.  I'm not sure whether it's good or bad but in the end it makes me feel a bit better and a bit sad.  Since I came back from England I've been nothing but lazy and irritable.  I know very well why but getting over the fact is a lot harder than I thought.  It's getting better though.  I went to the cinema last night, I think I said that already, but after a little while I didn't mind being dragged out of my flat.  My flatmate yapped the entire time which made it hard to get a word in but sometimes you've just got to listen.  Even if you don't like what you hear.  I've heard a lot lately.  Some I liked, some I didn't.  A big part of it I didn't.  But I knew I didn't have a choice but to accept it.  Well, that's not true.  I had the option.  But I like to think I'm strong.  Strong enough to accept these facts that were presented to me.  So I told him I was strong and that I'd be able to cope with whatever his life needed me to.  I didn't want to give up on something that'd barely begun but I'd already wanted so much.

Hmm... maybe this song is wonderful but at the same time it's beginning to make me sad.  Or maybe I'm just making myself sad because that's all I can think about or feel right now.  I'm going to turn it off and come back to it later.  Let it sing me to sleep and see how I feel in the morning.

Entry 2:
My name is Gemma Ward and I'll be turning 20 this year.  I'm so old, what am I going to do with myself?  I'll never make it in the modeling industry now!  Ok, kidding, joke, ha ha ha ha... right.

I was born and raised in Perth, Australia and my dad was a doctor and my mum was a nurse.  How sweet right?  Perfect love story.  But I'm the middle child with and older sister and a set of twin brothers-- thats four, I know.  So that means there is no middle-- well in this case there is because two boys who look the same equal one, got it?  Good.  I'm never wrong, remember that ^_^. 

Let's see...

I was first discovered to model when I went with a friend of mine to a modeling contest.  I was asked to enter and shortly after I was signed be a local agency in my hometown.  I was just fifteen and working constantly for this agency.  My career really sky rocketed and I was already being called a professional.  It was a huge honour really.  I was soon enough discovered by an IMG scout from New York and who saw a photo of mine on the cover of a magazine and my big break came after they contacted my agency.  I was later booked in Prada's Spring 2002 runway show in Milan and then came my first two major advertising campaigns.

So much has happened for me over the years and I'm so, so, so happy with myself.  I've learned to be more confident and on top of that I met John Mayer and starred in his music video for his song 'Daughters'.  That was so much fun and definitely a worthy job.  Anyways.

Don't be afraid to give me a ring!  I love to talk!

It's surprising how people have such a hard time pronouncing my name.  I promise, it really isn't that hard!  Kuh-LEIGH-uh.  I've gotten so many variations you'd think I'd be suffering through an identity crisis... hell, I just might be.  It wouldn't surprise me actually after my career sky rocketed and now here I am.  Professional actress/model stamped on my resume and phones ringing constantly.  It's insane.  I love life though, don't get me wrong.  At least I do most of the time.  I'm just like any other person who doesn't want to wake up before 5am to get dressed and drag themselves to their next job.

I actually grew up in some pretty sketch parts of Washington D.C.  It was funny because I was pretty sure I was going to end up working at the free clinic or maybe even slopping out food at one of the free kitchens.  The next thing I knew I was going to this modeling convention with a friend of mine from school who had it a little better than I did was tricked into entering one of the competitions.  I flat out lost, I'm not going to lie.  But an agency approached me afterward and from there America's Next Top Model was my life.  I'd never worked so hard before and as weird as that sounds-- it's work, I'm not going to even lie.  Looking pretty in front of a camera is hell on Earth.  Especially in this industry and especially if your shoes don't fit.  I think I'll have life long scars.

Life back home still wasn't all that great though.  My parents didn't think I'd get far and this was just more money they were wasting on me to fail at something.  It was a rough trip and some long nights full of tears but I had to keep it up so I could prove them wrong.  Sure enough, after winning, they'd forgotten all of their negative thoughts and wanted the parents of the year award.  It was too bad I was keeping it for myself since I pretty much raised myself, not them.  I don't really talk to them much anymore but every once in a while I'll get my own personalized hate mail from them.  It's a terrible feeling.

However, other than that I've managed to capture some roles in some pretty bad ass movies.  I've been in Mean Girls, She's the Man, Armageddon, and I'm also working on 10 Things I Hate About You right now which is so much fun!  I've met so many people and made so many friends (and some enemies along the way).  I really owe all of this to one person and hopefully they'll continue blessing me with all of these amazing privileges because I really feel as if I'm making the world a better place even if it is through piddly roles and modeling.  I get to help shape the future-- Wow... that was kinda geeky wasn't it?

Anywyas, I've never dreamt this for myself and as we're shooting here in California I miss my place back in New York but this is really the life.  I couldn't be happier with it and I've got so much confidence now.  The future has a lot in store for me.  Lets watch it unfold.